Memories of a forgotten past.
by baby jen
Summary: Carter thinks back on some past relationships-and where they all went wrong. Please R&R, baby jen Xx ;)


Memories of a forgotten Past.   
  
Disclaimer: I own them. Each and every one of them. Anyone got a problem with that!!?  
  
AN: Carter takes a trip down memory lane-reminiscing about past and present relationships.  
  
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Carter had just finished an exceptionally hectic shift at the ER-as he slowly eased himself into a hot bath. He allowed the hot water to ease his aching muscles as he shut his eyes-allowing his mind to wander a little; something he seldom felt comfortable with-for it meant dredging up painful memories. Memories he would rather forget.  
  
Normally he dreaded trips down memory lane, as he would inevitable always end up thinking of *her* . Of Lucy. One way or another, her happy, bright face would enter his mind. And seconds later the face would change. It's eyes no longer sparkling, but with a look of death about them. Her lips no longer smiling, instead there was blood trickling from them. And instead of hearing her laugh-he would hear her whisper. And once again-the darkness would come.   
  
Today seemed different though. He did not find himself thinking of Lucy. Instead his mind wandered to another face. Harper Tracey.   
  
Harper Tracey. His first ER love-well if you don't count his crush on Susan Lewis. Harper was blond, bright and sassy. Unlike anyone Carter had known at that time. His attraction to her –though he had not realised it then- was more about what she represented than who she was. John Carter-the dorky young med student was now looking to be the next hot shot surgeon-and that notion empowered him. He felt bold and confident-and was these two qualities in Harper that he had liked. She made him feel …cool. Something he'd never been as a child. But that was it.   
  
*No wonder the relationship didn't last.* he mused.  
  
Slowly he began to remember another face. Dr. Keaton. Abby Keaton. No surprise that one didn't turn into anything long term. For one she left the country. Two, she was God knows how many years older than he had been. He had liked her. Quite a bit. But again-he liked the assurance and confidence she had instilled in him rather than her as a person. Knowing that an accomplished surgeon like Dr Keaton could like a med student like John had filled him with a sense of pride. Shallow though it may have been.  
  
He frowned as he remembered another face. Anna-Anna Del Amico. She was certainly beautiful. And smart. And he had felt a connection between the two of them. She was probably the first woman he really connected with on a deeper lesson. At least he had thought so at the time. He met her at a time in his life where he was no longer insecure about proving himself. He had reached a point where he finally believed in himself. So it was only natural that he had looked to someone who was more substance. He no longer had the need for anything 'flash'.  
  
But of course she had left. At the time Carter had been heartbroken. He had really believed she could have been really special. Maybe even the love of his life. He didn't feel that way anymore. Now that he thought about it-it was around that time that he knew Anna that he had been having family problems. His Grand parents pressuring him to join the business. Anna despised wealth-and so who better than to help him get distance from the 'Family' matters. So maybe he didn't really love her anymore than he had Abby Keaton or Harper Tracey.   
  
Feeling somewhat confused and bewildered, his mind feel on Abby. Abby Lockheart.  
Did he have real feelings for her? Given his past-probably not. As much as he hated to admit it-his feelings for her probably stemmed from a sense of security. She was his sponsor after all. Did he really love her? Or was she just his safety net?  
  
Proabably the latter, he thought miserably. After all when finally Luka and Abby HAD broken up-Carter hadn't wanted to make a move. Now he could have her-he realised he didn't want her. That in itself suggested he'd never really cared about her. As with all the other women in his life –he'd liked the 'idea' of her-as opposed to 'her' as a person.  
  
As a person, Abby was really quite dull, it occurred to him. She was constantly moaning. She hated going out. She was extremely self centred at times. The woman liked dead flowers for crying out loud, talk about issues. No-he didn't love Abby. He hadn't loved Harper, Keaton or Anna either.  
  
*Sheesh.* he thought. *Maybe I'm just not meant to love* he mused miserably.  
  
*But I want to. I've always wanted to. It can't be me-I just haven't found the right person yet.* he considered.  
  
And then he was reminded of a conversation he'd had. Up on the roof of County. Yes…h remembered. He'd just broken up with Roxanne or something. And he was talking with…Lucy. She'd told him …what had she told him? Oh yes-that he had relationship problems because his parents hadn't been around a loving influence-and that's why he didn't want someone. Or something like that.  
  
What had he told her again? Ahh yes…  
  
He'd told her he did want a family. He did want to find love. He just hadn't found the right person as yet.  
  
He remembered looking into her eyes as he said these words. And it never even occurred to him.   
  
It occurred to him now. Now it was too late.  
He HAD found the right person. And he'd lost her too.   
  
Like always, his mind had found it's way back to Lucy.  
  
His only real love.  
  
  
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Please R&R!!  
Thanx-hope you like it. Baby jen. 


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